Could a ‘Sleep Divorce’ Actually Help Your Relationship?

by Jessica Migala, 2024

Your bedtime partner can make a big difference in your sleep. Tossing and turning, snoring, being a hot or cold sleeper, or having alternate schedules can all impact the quality of your (and their) slumber.

It’s no wonder annoyances and hard feelings can develop between romantic partners if their sleeping styles aren’t compatible. After all, who wants to get woken up by wayward kicks, snores that sound like an airplane is soaring overhead, or stolen blankets?

And so, some couples are choosing a “sleep divorce,” a term that refers to a romantic couple choosing to sleep in separate rooms. Cameron Diaz recently spoke about how this arrangement works well for her and husband Benji Madden. And a growing number of people are doing it in their own homes and talking about it. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine reports that more than one-third of people say they sleep in a different room from their partner at least occasionally.

A survey from The Better Sleep Council says that one-quarter of adults say they sleep better alone. “It does sound counterintuitive to sleep separately, but a good night of sleep is important,” says Julie Kolzet, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and behavioral sleep medicine specialist in New York City. “Sometimes patients believe that they should be sleeping with their partners. Part of my job is dispelling the myths around sleep, including these types of ‘should’ statements,” says Kozlet.

For many couples, a sleep divorce is a perfect compromise, says Rachel Zar, Ph.D., a Chicago-based sex and relationship therapist. Despite the negative connotation of the term, “for many couples, a ‘sleep divorce’ helps them show up better to the relationship, as opposed to taking away from the relationship,” she says.

This isn’t the case, of course, in situations where couples are sleeping apart following an argument, says Zar. “Some of the reasons for a sleep divorce are relationship-based. In this instance, sleeping apart is not the issue itself, but it’s the symptom of a bigger problem,” she says.

A tip from Hatch: If you do start sleeping in separate bedrooms from your partner, start to create a personalized sleep environment that works best for you to maximize the “sleep divorce” arrangement. For example, create personalized wind-down and wake-up routines using your Hatch device and the Hatch+ premium content suite.

How to make a sleep divorce work for you First, you’ll want to get on the same page with your partner on why you might sleep apart. Miscommunication can cause the arrangement to go south. If your reasoning behind it is because of conflict or problems in your relationship, talking to your partner and considering additional help, such as relationship counseling, may be worthwhile.

If you are both confident that this is chiefly for better sleep, then you can reiterate your commitment to the relationship, talk about why you want to sleep apart, and whether you see this as a temporary or permanent solution. Come up with a plan on how you two will come together to connect at the end of the day.

“For busy couples, those with kids, or who have opposite schedules, that touch point before bed is the only time they may really be together and connecting,” says Zar. For a successful and happy sleep divorce, make sure you identify a time during the evening (or day!) that you can spend quality time with each other. One person might climb into bed with the other to chat or come in in the morning to cuddle. They could both sit and have lunch together or perhaps elect to sleep separately throughout the workweek but choose to sleep together on the weekends.

Finally, choosing to sleep separately may not be your only option. “There are often other ways to go about addressing sleep problems that don’t involve one partner leaving the room,” says Kozlet. If your goal is to sleep together, then seeing a sleep behavioral specialist who is versed in CBT-I (cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia) can also help give you tools to improve your sleep, such as limiting your time in bed, getting up and doing something quiet if you can’t fall asleep, or practicing good sleep hygiene habits.

No matter what sleep solution you choose, know that there is a large spectrum of sleep arrangements in healthy relationships. Your best night’s sleep might not be in bed with your partner. And that’s okay!

Finding Meaning in a Year That Is Different from All Other Years

While some sources of meaning have had to change in 2020 – this is not necessarily bad news. Not only can we always look inward but we are also surrounded by superheroes who showcase inspiration.

By Dr. Julie Kolzet, Ph.D.

There are innumerable ways to define what a “superhero” looks or acts like, and the internet is certainly full of descriptions. According to Merriam-Webster, “superhero” can be defined as “a fictional hero having extraordinary or superhuman powers.” Notice that this definition does not specify what constitutes superhuman “powers.” In my opinion, that’s because what constitutes such powers is highly personal. Moreover, I would argue that an individual superpower is likely to ebb and flow throughout one’s lifespan, even from moment to moment. The same holds true for the word “meaning” which is so important not only at this time of year but also which has been redefined again and again throughout 2020.

But first, a bit more on superheroes...

Do Superheroes Understand Meaning the Most?

I recently returned to a 2010 article that explains how superhero stories provide rich examples of psychological phenomena.1 The author cited the origin story of Bruce Wayne/Batman as a prime example of how people make meaning out of traumatic experiences and use those experiences to grow. 

Unfortunately, Batman cannot make the pandemic vanish. Much to our dismay and surprise, COVID-19 is not going away anytime soon and the aftermaths of its wrath are consequential. Instead, we are tasked to decide how we will live with it. If we focus only on the dire aspects, we may become dragged down along with it, which needless to say, is of no help. What can we learn from Batman’s tale? Superhero stories offer solutions. They teach us about coping and meaning when we want (or need) a way out, psychologically speaking.

Another Merriam-Webster definition for “superhero” is: “an exceptionally skillful or successful person.”  My friend and colleague, Dara Huang, MD, meets both of these definitions – she is a superhero both to me and to her patients. As matter of fact, I just nominated her for a healthcare profession award that is given to someone who has “stepped up” during the pandemic. 

I nominated Dr. Dara for several reasons. First, she is a caring and compassionate physician. As an integrative nephrologist and medical cannabis physician with an impressive educational background, she established the first medical practice in New York City to use cannabis treatment2 and continues to help countless patients navigate opioid-free solutions for chronic pain, tolerate chemotherapy, and reclaim their PTSD-stricken lives. Equally important, Dr. Dara is someone who has managed to turn personal tragedy into triumph.

Her story elucidates the “why” behind someone’s choice to become a superhero. Over a decade ago, her beloved sister died from Stage IV colorectal cancer, just two years after being diagnosed at age 32. In addition, when Dr. Dara was a teenager, her mother passed away by suicide. My friend undoubtedly has survived immense grief. Yet, in the face of loss and sadness, she has demonstrated immense capacity to transcend her trauma and attend to the needs of often overlooked patient populations. 

The stories of Bruce Wayne/Batman and Dr. Dara teach us that meaning can be derived from the attitude we take toward our given circumstances and can connect us with new sources of meaning. Finding novel or even unexpected sources of meaning can be an important and necessary coping strategy. 

Many mental health professionals have identified meaning as an important element of psychotherapy. Psychiatrist William S. Breitbart, MD, for example, created Individual Meaning-Centered Psychotherapy (IMCP), an evidence-based treatment intervention that was originally conceived of to ease the suffering of patients with advanced stage cancer but has since been expanded to treat other populations.3,4

As an example, one may ask a client to:

1. Share one or two experiences when life has felt particularly meaningful – whether it sounds powerful or mundane. This could be something that helped them get through a difficult day, or a time when they felt most alive.3,4

2. What is something they can do now that they can’t do in a normal year – something that may involve courage or creativity?

I discussed this approach further in an October 2020 New York City Health Business Leaders (NYCHBL) webinar on growth, meaning, and connection.

When Does Meaning Show Up? 

At this point you may be wondering, does one have to experience trauma and suffering to find meaning? The short answer is no. Although meaning can arise from hardship, often taking an attitudinal shape, it can also arise from being creative, connecting with life (eg, love, humor, beauty), and from the desire to build, treasure, or leave a legacy. 

In fact, there are many alternate sources of meaning and this is good news because, let’s face it, sometimes it is hard to find meaning when confronted with life’s limitations and unexpected changes. As examples, meaning can be derived from family traditions, personal relationships, a good meal, spirituality, looking at the stars, exploring a new destination (even if it’s part of a local park or nearby neighborhood you have never visited), identifying an area for self-improvement, smelling a rose, exploring one’s creative side, silly comedy, reminiscing, taking a walk, doing a good job on a project, or smiling at a stranger. We can all conjure up our own sources of meaning.

Whether it’s trauma, loss, grief, or all of these things combined and then some, these experiences and feelings can motivate us to act in value-based directions. We can find ways to view hardships as challenges to be overcome, as opportunities for a new start, as chances to act creatively and with courage.

The Pandemic’s Villainous Twist on Meaning Doesn’t Mean It Is Lost

It is true that the pandemic – the villain to our superheroes – has made it harder to actualize some sources of meaning – but that doesn’t mean they are lost. For example, family traditions can be tweaked or reborn. Outlets can be rediscovered. And time, even if cut short, can allow us to pursue multiple, different sources of meaning throughout our lives. 

Finding meaning cannot be forced, however. It is an active process that can be present even if you – or your patients – do not fully recognize it. Meaning is personal and changes moment to moment. In our pursuit of meaning, we can turn to superheroes – whether fictional or on the real frontlines – for inspiration. We can rely on it through friends, colleagues, ancestors, poets, and mountains. 

And most important, we can always turn inward and ask, “What is my why?”

I encourage you to be “meaning detectives” and “doers” like Bruce Wayne/Batman and Dr. Dara, in both your personal and your professional life. I submit that meaning is our most powerful weapon and a special gift that we all have to help us cope during tough times. Meaning is an intervention and, by proxy, a superpower. Discovery awaits and evolves. POW! 

Sources

1. Rosenberg RS. What is a superhero. Pscyh Today. March 11, 2010.

2. Lewis C. What it’s like to be a marijuana-friendly doctor in New York. Crain’s NY Bus. June 20, 2016.

3. Brietbart WS, Poppito S. Individual Meaning-Centered Psychotherapy for Patients with Advanced Cancer: A Treatment Manual. Oxford University Press, 2014. 

4. Frankel VE. Man’s Search for Meaning. Boston: Beacon Press, 1962.